Substance

I’ve always done and do things that are of substances. Be it the quality time I choose to spend with (selective) people or the things I should complete (being worthy). Anything lesser, are people I do not bother and things I wouldn’t do. Things are bad. Things are bad. My mom is depressed. She has suicide tendency. My family is breaking apart. Things are bad but everything’s fine. Till shit happens.

: you need to figure out if you still think it is worth it, and if you have it in you to one day- not today, but one day, forgive. If so, be gracious, because people make mistakes, and love is vulnerability; it means allowing the risk of being broken. And if you know you are too good, that you didn’t deserve it and can do better, then leave, it isn’t going to be easy, but if there is no way that you could ever forgive, then there is nothing left to stay for.

“Leave, if you think you deserve better, if you think you can do better.”

that’s what I told my mom when she asked me what should she do.

Everything’s fine. The pain was exquisite. It pierced through in a caught up moment of thought, of a let down of guard and the slightest touch. The function of pain is protective it aids in the healing process.  When we have an injury, for instance, the accompanying sensation of pain causes us to protect it until the pain goes away.  When an underlying condition is causing the pain then it becomes necessary to treat the condition to eliminate the pain.  Sometimes pain sensors goes awry and the pain continues even after healing.  The problem with intractable pain is that it is difficult to treat and more importantly, it gets in the way of the ability to get on with life.

Things are bad. The pain was a reminder that things are bad. Yet, indifferent and nothing is what I chose to feel and do. That, was (all) happiness I know I could give to my folks. 

It was never a habit to blog ’bout stuff such as this. ’Cause I wanted to share my life with you as much as I know ’bout yours whenever I read. Things aren’t always pleasant. I’m fine (I lied) don’t you worry ’bout me and nail those papers!  I promise to let you inspect (introduce) the girlfriend who takes really good care of me if you score! (Though, it’s totally fine, really, like, totally fine, if we don’t.) we’ll watch the moon and I can tell you all about nipple piercings and lesbian sex. (;

Are You A Top Or Bottom?

Recently, I had one of the most groundbreaking self-discoveries in my life thus far, right behind the shocking realization that I don’t like vaginas: I’m a bottom.

It was mind-blowing, really. It almost felt as if I were coming out to myself again. I mean, I had to literally re-examine my life. How could I not see this before? Or more importantly, why have I been wasting all this time dating other bottoms? After consulting this realization with my fellow bottom friend and observing the lack of surprise in his face, I had to ask: why didn’t you tell me? His response: I thought you knew. Last summer, I began dating a guy who was always the bottom when we had sex; it just sort of naturally happened that way. I thought nothing of it since I was very attracted to his good looks and Jamaican charm. Yet after a while, I slowly lost interest. Despite my physical attraction towards his outward appearance, I wasn’t attracted to who he was in the bedroom, or who I was either. There was something about being the dominant counterpart that subconsciously made me feel very uncomfortable. I didn’t feel like myself. Without fully understanding why this was, I eventually gave him the fade out and told him, and myself, that we were just not compatible. It wasn’t until after my groundbreaking epiphany that I began to question, should I only be dating tops?

Looking back on my past failed relationships, everything sort of makes sense: I’ve been dating bottoms. Most guys I’ve dated have yet to verbally take a side, just as I’ve never felt the need to do so either, until now. The fact is, many gays associate with the term “vers,” aka “versatile.” You like to give and you like to get. Frankly, there’s nothing wrong with the term; most guys enjoy both sexual roles and would rather not limit themselves to one. It makes perfect sense. Yet I can’t help but wonder, does everyone have a preference? Sometimes we as gay men have no choice but to identify with one of the two terms. In the world of online dating, most guys care more about this label than they care about what you do for a living. When guys find out you aren’t a match in this sense, they treat you like you have a vagina. To many, dating someone who identifies with the same label as they do is simply a waste of time.

I personally never liked the idea of limiting my already small pool of possible mates in half, which was the root of my ongoing skepticism of the terminology. In an attempt to avoid conforming to social norms, I would argue that the concept of being a top or a bottom is barbaric, that it is simply society telling us that even in the queer world, there needs to be a “man” in the relationship. In a biological sense, it is physically impossible for only certain men to like it up the butt. The mechanisms are all the same, you can’t argue about that. So what is it then; are tops essentially the gays who are too scared to have a foreign object up their ass? While this may be the case for some, many swear by the label. Lesbians do it too, without using the terminology we do. I have to admit, even I ask my lesbian gal pals in relationships: Which one of you will wear the tux at the wedding? The funny thing is, they usually have an answer. So what’s so wrong with identifying the masculine counterpart in a relationship? Do we need to do so in order to feel more normal in the eyes of society? Or is it simply a natural part of human to human connection?

Many people like myself seem to hesitate identifying with only one of these roles due to the extreme stereotypes of each label. Some are also turned off by the fact that it limits their ability to swing the other way. Of course no one wants to be submissive all of the time or vice versa. However, we all carry a specific gender identity that exudes a certain degree of masculinity; and in return, we are attracted to a certain level of masculinity in others. Some research tells us that a strong human to human connection may be correlated to the balance of masculine and feminine qualities between two people. In this sense, maybe the terms top and bottom are not only related to sex. I must unwillingly admit, bottoms stereotypically share many qualities with straight women. We are generally more relationship-oriented, expressive and sensitive than tops. These qualities are of course toned down since we’re still men and don’t have estrogen preparing us to pop one out. But let’s face it, bottoms are always on the prowl. Whether it’s at a nightclub, on the street, at Barnes and Noble — we’re ready. Probably too ready. It’s as if when God created bottoms he gave us all maternal clocks but ran out of baby-makers. You name it, we’ll take it. One night stands, fuck buddies, LTRs — anything. I mean look around you, we’re everywhere. The group of guys dancing at the local gay bar — bottoms. The guys on OkCupid looking for dates — bottoms. And yes, the ones reading this article — all bottoms. So now for another important question: where are all the tops?

This self-realization has opened a can of unanswered questions that I may never find the answers to. It’s like they say — the more you know about relationships, the more you know you don’t know. But at the end of the day, I must be doing something right. We all seem to think we have a “type,” so maybe this is it. Sleeping around has given me more knowledge of what I’m looking for in a guy than any relationship guru could. So whoever decided that it was wrong to be a slut should come up with a better plan to figure all of this stuff out. Until then, don’t judge me.

Joey Albanese

I haven’t fucked us up so far.

to agree to disagree on red velvet cake

Can’t remember to forget you

Mary (Kirsten Dunst): “Adults are..like..this mess of sadness and phobias.”

The Tramp (Charles Chaplain): “Tomorrow the birds will sing.”

Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

let it be. let it be.

I’ve read this. Yet again. For the upteempth time.

Recently I’ve had a number of friends asking me “How do you do it, Jol.” How do you deal with pain, or find it in you to love, or to have hope or simply to heal. Honestly, I don’t know. There is no one fixed answer or solution. You simply do as you must and go through it because you have to. We all have to grow up. I listened to Ben Howard’s entire album on repeat during the days when I was broken, Gracious is my special song, and I haven’t wanted to share this incredible musician with anyone. But I hope he gets you through too. We grow, grow, steady as the morning. We grow, grow, older still.

Dear D, S and J.

I know was emptiness feels like. I think everyone does. As for strength: What strength? During those rough few weeks I would go to school or out with friends or to church and laugh and no one could suspect anything was wrong. But once behind my room’s door I would cry my heart out. It truly was a pathetic sight, to see yourself alternating between self-pity, anger and helplessness. I have harboured so much hate in me, even if only for a few minutes, you can’t find out you’ve been cheated on or that people you don’t even know can have such a propensity to be ruthless, without feeling resentment. And I don’t exactly know your situation, but if it involves someone having wronged you, I suppose hard as it is, you need to figure out if you still think it is worth it, and if you have it in you to one day- not today, but one day, forgive. If so, be gracious, because people make mistakes, and love is vulnerability; it means allowing the risk of being broken. And if you know you are too good, that you didn’t deserve it and can do better, then leave, it isn’t going to be easy, but if there is no way that you could ever forgive, then there is nothing left to stay for.

I know the pain you feel is overwhelming, and you don’t feel like your life is heading in any right direction. But there honestly isn’t a miracle-solution. It is painful and it degrading, but you sit it out. You cry or rant as much as you need and you sit it out with the knowledge that this feeling isn’t going to last forever. If you believe in a God, then take heart; have faith. Because there is something more important than what you’re currently feeling, and truly when you can no longer stand, you go down on your knees. We’re all as strong as the situation that breaks us. Life doesn’t throw shit at you- people do. And as hopeless as that sounds, there also are people that are always going to be there to pick you up. There are the people that have no self-worth, no respect and no consideration but there are many good people as well. Whilst no one can physically carry your pain, I hope you know that you have friends that care for you and would do anything to help you. I hope you know that you will get through this because you are stronger than your circumstances. You may not think it, but I promise you a week, a month, 3 months from now, I’d have given you a run for your money. Healing may take a really long time- I think I’d go the rest of my life without forgetting. And it is a burden, to carry the weight of other people’s mistakes, but you’re going to turn out just fine. I hope you remember that I miss you, and that I love you.

I hope you take heart; I hope you have faith.

`jol

I’m so happy for you, dear child. That you’re doing good and having a blast this weekend. Can’t wait for you to fill me in on how things are working out! Thank you for this piece, above. Frankly speaking, I always took off because I’m too good. Kidding. There’s always half truth. Get your arse back here! (and I’ll tell you, truth.) xx

Atrocity

‘Why do people shout in anger shout at each other?’

Having without emotional attachment does makes goodbye easier. I thought there will come a day that she will leave. Just maybe. That’s why I never bothered with relation-ships. ‘What a waste’ you might think it is. But I thought I was pretty pleasant. At least the rather pleasant one in the family. I wanna keep that as, that. Thank you and may the odds be ever in your favor.

The only constant in my life is my Starbucks order.

Pack me in a styrofoam box

A wake

An ac·quaint·ance died last morning. We used to spend a lot of time together breaking and staying over, supper and maybe, a lil more than that. Dated two Decembers back. She’s gone. The mention of her as – “her body” feels surreal. She’s really, gone. Everyone needs a closure to that of her death and move on. I choose to believe that ‘Good’ people dies.

“Aloofness and withdrawal as powerful weapons in relationships can be easily manipulated. The current aspect at play simply means being tempted to do so as feeling slightly vengeful. Needless to say, this is not the best way to go about things, and it would be better to openly admit being hurt, rather than close up and stop communicating.”

There’s no worst enemy than silence when discontent sets in.